Sunday, January 12, 2014

Expat Life: The Terrible Vengeance of Merlot


But one day the solitude will weary you; one day your pride will yield, and your courage quail. You will one day cry: "I am alone!" 

One day you will no longer see your heights, and see too closely your depths; even your sublimity will frighten you like a phantom. You will one day cry: "All is false!" 

There are feelings which seek to kill the solitary one; if they do not succeed, then they themselves must die! But are you capable of this -- to be a murderer? -

                                                              Friedrich Nietzsche:  Thus Spoke Zarathustra


Leave me alone in a cage for three hours while you go out to dinner, will you?

You are weak and foolish, oh humans.  You have forgotten to secure all the doors of my crate.

I shall extract a terrible revenge upon you and your house.

I shall begin by knocking over your azalea - you know, the pink one that's blooming in January and that I have had my eye on?  The one that I've repeatedly tried to sample, only to be thwarted time after time? Yeah, that one.  I'll knock it over, and then I'll eat some of the flowers - you were right, though; they're not very tasty - I'll show my displeasure by scattering all the dirt from the pot in an enormous radius in the living room, leaving dirty footprints everywhere - including the couch.

I'll knock the remotes and cushions onto the floor while I'm at it, just for spite.

I'll make my presence known in your bedroom, romping across your bed with those selfsame soiled paws and I shall smite your glasses (both eye and water) off your nightstand unto the floor.  Knitting shall be unrolled; toilet paper shall be shredded.  Socks shall be strewn hither and yon.

I shall leap into the bathtub and skitter in a mad pattern across its gleaming white surface.  The few drops of water that are in the tub will combine with the azalea soil of my anger to create a vortex of pawprints and fury that can convey only a small portion of my wrath.

Ah, you love your earbuds, do you? So do I.  They're delicious.  One of them, I shall smite upon on the floor.  The other one, I'll ingest.  You will search for it in vain, wringing your hands as your hope of finding it fades into the shadow of my scorn.

But wait! My anger still burns brightly.  I shall poop on the floor in your study.  And eat it.  Then I'll poop on the floor again.  Then I'll eat it.  Again.  But I will leave traces so you can see and tremble at the full extent of my displeasure.

Rubbish and recycling? Please.  They will be the first place I go, watching with satisfaction as their flimsy plastic yields to my skittering paws.  I will chew everything within my reach into the tiniest possible pieces and distribute them evenly throughout the kitchen and dining room.

I shall dismember my squeaky sheep and leave her carcass, broken and torn, as a grisly harbinger of what is to come.

No corner shall escape my terrible wrath.

I will destroy all that you love.

When you return, late at night,somewhat fuddled by an evening of wine and conversation, ready for the comfort of your bed, I shall be waiting, in the dark, Sphinxlike. Standing in the middle of the dining room table, surrounded by chaos and destruction I have wrought upon you.

And you shall be without consolation.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.





15 comments:

Marion said...

Oh. My. Goodness.

Stacy Rushton said...

Wait, what?! No photos of the utter destruction? Please let those of us who are past those puppy days relive and and enjoy the relief that is ours to be beyond and to have survived. Not unlike the smug pleasure i get from seeing a child throw a full-blown snit in a store and know that it's not mine and can't be anymore. There is no bittersweet about that. :)

This may be my favorite post so far! Too funny. For the rest of us. Bless you for sharing!

MsCaroline said...

Stacy - To tell the truth, we were so flabbergasted and angry,we didn't even think about photos until we had cleaned up most of it (he took the kitchen; I got azalea debris and poop; we shared the bedroom.) By the time our sense of perspective had returned, all that was left was the bathtub pawprints and it was impossible to get a photo that accurately conveyed the hectic footprint pattern due to the glare- I know because we tried! I *could* post a photo of the azalea, but it doesn't look too bad - unless you know that it was completely covered with blossoms before she got a hold of it and now just has a few up top. I completely sympathize with the smugness - we were just such people until a few months ago. One of the best things about teaching in the kindergarten and elementary school is that I can completely sympathize with the parents - and then go home to my own articulate, potty-trained, well-mannered adult children! ; )

MsCaroline said...

Marion - yes. That pretty much covers it. I keep telling myself Shiner was a hellion, too, but I think a lot of his antics have been smoothed over by the passing of time. I know he was really destructive, but I just can't remember details - do you?

Muffin said...

I'd take the destruction of stuff including the poo over surgical extraction of socks and winter gloves.

Anonymous said...

Oh, this is too much!!!! I notice the dog is still alive! You didn't open the door and turn him out! I bet you will check all of the latches from this day forward. Thanks for sharing. A very funny (but not for you) and well written post for those of us who did not have to deal with the consequences.
Farm Gal in VA

MsCaroline said...

Muffin - Yes, you are right! I notice that anyone who knew Shiner as a puppy is much less impressed by the (comparatively) mild antics of this one. Those of you who know Shiner understand why we are - while annoyed - not even close to kicking Merlot out!

MsCaroline said...

FarmGal in VA - thanks for stopping by and commenting! And you're right - we will be double-checking every possible latch in future! In retrospect, the damage was far less severe than it could have been, so I suppose we should consider ourselves very lucky. I have no idea exactly what she was thinking, but the little internal monologue in the post seemed entirely possible...; )

BavarianSojourn said...

And that was your punishment for going out?? :D But look at that cute little face....

Trish Burgess said...

Brilliantly written - very, very funny but probably not so amusing at the time.

MsCaroline said...

Emma - more like it was our punishment for not checking the cage carefully! I can assure you, we've learned our lesson...

Trish - Thank you - she definitely supplies fab material, but one really wonders if it's quite worth it - especially when scrubbing on hands and knees at 11:30pm...

Nance said...

"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.' "

Maybe you should rename Merlot--call her Ozymandias.

MsCaroline said...

Nance: I love you because this is the perfect literary reference. MrL loves you because he loves "Breaking Bad." You have won the coveted 'Spontaneous Belly Laugh over Breakfast' award in the 'Best Blog Comment' category.

Heather Rose-Chase said...

Oh Merlot. *sigh*

MsCaroline said...

Heather: Take heart! I think she realizes just how close she was to being posted on Craigslist Korea. She has been a model canine citizen since her last escapade. Fingers crossed....