The One Where Mercury is Retrograde

"What happens when Mercury retrogrades? You miss appointments, your computer equipment crashes, checks get lost, you find the car you just purchased during Mercury retrograde is a lemon. (Or, you hate your haircut, the lamp you bought shorts out, your sister hates her birthday gift.) There will be countless delays, cancellations and postponements..."  - Astrology Zone by Susan Miller

If you are a person of reason and logic who scoffs at superstitious beliefs such as astrology or finger-crossing, then you have missed out on an excellent opportunity to blame unpleasant and annoying circumstances in your life on the 'apparent backward motion' of the planet Mercury.  As I understand it, (and I don't ) the planet Mercury 'goes retrograde' some three times per year, which has something to do with the equatorial equinox, Avogadro's number,  the Cleveland Browns, and  - oh, who am I kidding.  I have no idea what causes Mercury to go retrograde, much less what 'retrograde' really means in this case. All I know is that- according to those who study these things- when Mercury is retrograde, it is wise to keep your head down, avoid complicated travel plans, and postpone signing important documents.  Whether you believe this or not, what I can say with complete confidence is that, when things start going wholesale catawumpus in the Asia Vu household, it is never a surprise to anyone to discover that Mercury is retrograde.  


I have been aware of this 'Mercury retrograde' phenomenon for almost 20 years, and , knowing what I know, you would think that I would find out in advance when it was going to occur, and move my family into an underground bunker for the duration.  However,  1) this has almost never been a viable option for us, what with the jobs and the children and all; and 2) Mercury is very adaptable, and moving into a bunker would not in any way prevent its effects.  You would just find yourself with a power outage or a malfunctioning blast door, or  you would discover that the freeze-dried rations in your apocalypse pantry were stale.  Try it yourself if you don't believe me.  


The good news about Mercury retrograde is that it does not cause terrible stuff to happen, like deaths or explosions or pestilence.  That is another planet's department entirely.  No, Mercury is in charge of annoying things;  things that make you bang your head slowly on the computer keyboard, things that cause you to wish desperately for the sun to be past the yardarm, things that make you write whiny and impassioned blog posts about minutiae.  Such is Mercury's power.


Now that I know Mercury's been in retrograde since August 2nd and will continue to be until August 26th,  it's all becoming clear to me.  It's been one thing after another lately, and it only took me about 2 weeks to realize why.  I submit as evidence:

• An email from my cousin in Canada, temporary guardian of the Yellow Dog, informing us that the dog has torn his ACL ( a fairly important ligament that holds his leg together) and will require surgery to repair it.  To add insult to injury, he did this in the most unspectacular way, by just walking sedately around the dog park and not by leaping out of a moving car or catching a Frisbee in midair, so we were cheated out of even having a good story to tell.  The cost of this surgery is conveniently - or ironically, you be the judge - approximately the same amount that it would have cost for a family of four to travel in October from Seoul to Cambodia for 5 nights/6 days/breakfast and lunch included/English-speaking tour guide provided. Sigh.
• A confusing morning spent at Son #2's new school - one of the best in Asia and, as far as I can see, an outstanding educational institution in every way, with the exception of registration logistics -  during which he was introduced to other new students, taken on a guided tour of the school, given the chance to meet his teachers, and was given his schedule.  While he was doing this, I was standing in endless queues along with all the other bewildered new parents, usually discovering at the end that I was either a) in the wrong queue or; b) not really needing whatever I was queuing for.
• A slight problem activating Son #2's lunch account - after being told that I needed to activate it and presenting myself in the proper queue - at which time it was explained to me that the lunch account was based on high-tech fingerprint scan technology (actually, really convenient, since kids are always losing cards and forgetting their account numbers but almost always have their fingers) and that I would need Son #2s finger in order to activate the account.  Since Son #2 was being guided around the campus on a tour (strangely, given by another new 9th grader, go figure) and had his finger with him at the time, my queuing had been in vain, which is the type of thing that causes my blood pressure to spike dangerously.
• The sinking realization that our car, which was inundated with floodwater during the recent flooding in Seoul, is probably never going to smell quite normal again.  Ever.
• My unfortunate choice of timing when deciding to experiment with foot peeling, resulting in panic and flakiness on the eve of our first party in Seoul.
• A frustrating 'Who's on First?' exchange with the school's transportation people, based on the fact that there is not enough room for Son #2 on the 'S' or 'T' buses that provide service to the school for children from our apartment complex, although they expect spots to open up in the next week or two - maybe.  In the meantime, Son #2 will ride to work with his father and catch the 'P' bus which leaves from an apartment building nearby.  However, due to complex factors (no doubt involving Mercury), it will be possible for him to ride home on the 'S' bus, providing he obtains a special pass from the main office, which I gamely tracked down and eventually secured, at great cost to my already-frayed emotional equilibrium.  The conversation went as follows:

Me:  I would like to get a bus pass for my son to ride home in the afternoons on the 'S' bus.
Her:  What bus is he assigned to?
Me:  The 'P' bus.
Her:  So you want him to ride the 'S' bus?
Me:  Yes, in the afternoons.
Her:  Not in the morning? 
Me:  Well, we would like him to ride the 'S' bus in the mornings, but we were told there was no space on that bus, so he is riding the P bus in in the mornings.  But they said there was room on the 'S' bus in the afternoon.
Her:  You will need a pass for the S bus in the afternoon.
Me:  Yes.  That is why I am here.  To get a pass.
Her:  So, he is on the S bus in the morning?
Me:   No, we are on the waiting list for the S bus in the mornings.  He is on the 'P' bus in the morning right now.
Her:  What about the "P' bus in the afternoon?
Me:  We want the 'S' bus in the afternoon.  He is assigned to the 'P' bus in the mornings.
Her:  He will need a pass to ride the 'S' bus in the afternoon.
Me:  Yes, that is why I am here.  To get the pass.  
Her:  Which bus do you need a pass for?
Me:  The 'S' bus.
Her:  In the morning, or the afternoon?


and so it went on, ad nauseum, until I was ready to just leave and let him take his chances on the P bus.  However, with the use of a detailed schematic and several logarithms eventually I was able to make myself clear,  and I got the pass. Afterwards, I felt very much like I had after delivering my babies:  generally satisfied, thoroughly exhausted, and with the vague sense that surely there must be an easier way to do this.




So there you have it.  Mercury, doing its thing, causing confusion, miscommunications, and glitches galore.  Until the 26th, we'll be keeping our heads down, and I suggest you do the same.


Oh, and you should probably take this opportunity to back up your hard drive.  You'll thank me for it later.